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من چیستم؟ - غصه

خودافشایی های امیر

غصه

تاشنده :امیر حافظ
تاریخ:یکشنبه 10 بهمن 1395-04:17 ب.ظ

تقریبا ییکسال پیش بود که امین (برادر بزرگم) میخواست بره آلمان. وقتی بحثش پیش اومد هیچ مخالفتی نکردم. این انتخاب به خودش ربط داشت. می دونستم که نمیشه. شوشتر که نمی خواست بره. ناسلامتی یک کشور دیگست اونور دنیا.

کار به جایی رسید که بلیط پروازش به ترکیه هم تهیه شده بود. با خواهرام نشسته بودم که زدم زیر گریه. بعد از سال، احتمالا برای اولین بار بعد از دوران کودکی با صدای بلند گریه کردم. اصلا نمی تونم باور کنم که آلمان وجود داره. اونجا رو ندیدم و شاید اصلا هم نبینم.

بعد خونواده به فکر افتادن و نهایتا مادرم هم به این نتیجه رسید که نمیتونه تحمل کنه. بلیطا رو پس داد. شیرینی هم دادن.

چند ماه پیش ایاد (برادر کوچیکم) فوت کرد. تقریبا هیچ اشکی براش نریختم. این دیگه آلمان نبود. سفر بی بازگشت بود. ولی چرا گریه نکردم.

همزمان با ایاد، مادرم هم رفت. غصه رفتن ایاد در مقابل مرگ مادرم هیچ بود. ای کاش تمام مردم دنیا میرفتن آلمان. ای کاش همه مردم دنیا می مردن ولی این یکی می موند.

احساس میکنم که هیچ غصه ای نمی تونه بالاتر از این وجود داشته باشه.

اگر همین الان بهم بگن که فقط یک ساعت دیگه زندم، خیلی ناراحت نمیشم.

اگر فردا بیدار بشم و ببینم فلجم ناراحت نمیشم. کور و ناتوان افتادم ناراحت نمیشم. دیگه چیزی برای غصه خوردن نمونده. واقعا کی این دنیا میخواد تموم بشه.

من که بر حسب عادت زندم...




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یکشنبه 24 بهمن 1395 07:54 ب.ظ
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یکشنبه 10 بهمن 1395 04:51 ب.ظ
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